Inner-Revolutions

BORED

2005-07-22T12:06:00.000-07:00

Jeeze, summer seems to be going way fast! Probably because nothing much is happening, ne? Back to school will be soon. >< I HATE BACK-TO-SCHOOL! all the stupid commercials make me afraid to watch TV. But getting new clothes is a yay part! I wish I could just go out and buy anime t-shirts anywhere. I saw this wonderful Utena shirt on ebay, and there was this way cute Chobits one too! Maybe I can make myself a shirt....if only I was a better artist! I wonder how hard drawign Chu-Chu would be! T_T
On a different note, back-to-school means I'll have to deal with the seeing of the relationships again. *whine* What are you supposed to do if you are dateless? Hide under a rock? Acting blissfully ignorant seems to work well for me. Except when I forget and get caught up in the I-am-alone-blues-de-funkness era. All I can say is yay for fakeness and TV relationships! Yay for fanfics and marketing! Yay for gummi bears! >< Now I want gummi-bears. Compared to my last entry, do I seem a bit bi-polar? lol.

Lost Without Love or something like that

2005-07-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

Love. Coming down on me from all sides. Everyone is in love. Everyone is happy. All the wonderful couples. All the silent understanding. They only need each other. Blah blah blah. I think it's a load of crap. Maybe because I don't know what it's like. I look at all these happy people. I want to be them. But to be them, I feel I'll have to lose myself. Is that a truth? A real truth? When you become part of a couple, a you-plus-dream-person-organism, does your own self get lost and die along the way? Does the girl, for example, have to give up everything? Girls have to change themselves to look avaliable. In ways maybe they don't want to change. Act different than what they really are. Play a part for a guy. Is it something everyone does? Masks. Faces made of porceline. Is that what our whole life is? Just a play. Because of fear. Of wanting. Of not being alone. When will I be willing to join the crowd?

Today was the peachy-est of days. I hope this blog doesn't sound too depress-id, only the second posty in. New clothes always make for a happy person. Unless they don't fit...because you're fat. Then you only think "I'm a fat stupid cow! Who will be ugly forever! And Die Alone! Aliens could kidnap me and no one would care because I'm such a loser! Look at these stupid frickin' clothes! They mock me! These manikins mock me with their plaster-annarexea! These clothes are all 'ohhh we're soooo pretty, we're shiny, don't you wanna wear us? people will talk to you and you'll be fab! OOPS, we forgot you weighed 2000-ba-zillion pounds! You'll never find love and you'll be stuck in a purple moo-moo, you grape-head! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!' I hate these stupid clothes!!!!!!! ><" Then you'll start to cry and decide to kill yourself. But don't worry. Clothes are stupid-o.
......BUT today wasn't one of those kinds of days! Today was a good day. Yes yes yes.

2005-07-19T00:46:00.000-07:00

There is this one beautiful moment in a movie I saw, this single scene that sticks to over and over. The scene is from 'Batman Returns', when Selena Kyle has just been killed and comes home. There's just somethign about it that's so real and rage-filled and screaming.
She's lived her life in her cute little apartment with a thankless job surrounded by thankless people and a bos who treats her like a mis-shapen barbie doll. She's passive and shy and a nice person who takes abuse over and over again, going un-noticed by most people, a blur in the world, a usless life. Her apartment is filled with cute things to keep her happy; pink is everywhere and stuffed animals decorate almost every room. She's without a boyfriend or anyone who really cares...or notices how much pain she's in.
Then, she's pushed out a window by her boss, and dies, setting off a string of rage that begins with the destruction of herself; desolating her barbie-ish apartment with black spray paint and shoving the stuffed toys down the garbage disposal, smashing the mirrors and the doll house, letting out all of her anger she's held in so long.
I could watch that scene forever in its beautiful desolation, the poetic gutting out and slaughering of a life lived as a lie. I can see myself doing something like that one day. I can see myself being her, kidding myself into a happy life that doesn't really exist. I can see myself in a thankless job, alone, in a very-pink and frills apartment, populated by lots and lots of cats. Dying alone and being eaten by them. Stuffed animals everywhere. Me telling myself I'm really happy. But I really wouldn't be.
At some point the lies have to stop, don't they? I'm told I'm cute and spunky and chipper, I try so hard, everyone loves me. But they only love what they see. The other things I hide, how I really feel, how I really want to be. They love a lie, a part of me I made up to deal with everything else. Smile always, even if you hate your life, you have to smile, you always have to be happy. Because you could be dead. But you're not. You're alive. I'm alive so I have to be happy all the time. I have to bring light in. I can't be in the dark. No one knows the darkness that's so close to the light I pretend to be. No one understands it. I'm not sure I want them to.
Happiness isn't really about happiness. It's about survival. If you put up a wall that's friendly, people won't know the difference between being close and being kept out. You can have friends that never really know you. Friends that don't know how you feel. It would be a perfect lie. And you could do it forever. Until you died. Always and always, and then you'd be surrounded by happy people. But you'd still be small. And insignificant. And alone.
Right now...I'm tired of lying. I want to strangle the fake me until she's dead.